I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
