if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
