I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
