My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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