We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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