she's into porn, im staying here tonight
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
