My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
