i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
