so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
