if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
