i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
