I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
