My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
