I think I am morally bankrupt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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