guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
