My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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