She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
