i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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