I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
