I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need to calm my uterus...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
