Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
