it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
