is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
