Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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