I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
