I only kidnapped one of them. chill
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
