Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Boobs are out for the taking
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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