I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
