Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wish you could order shots online.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
