my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
