M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
