She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
