you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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