I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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