Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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