I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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