That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
