Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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