I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
