By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
