All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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