If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
