That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
