I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
