I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
