Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
