Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
