I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
