I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
