the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
