Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
