You made me cry and you don't even care
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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